Elian Gonzales

sigh.

2000-12-25T06:25:19Z

I'm all alone this Christmas! Mami y Papi are elsewhere, I have no idea where, but that gardener is sitting outside...

I HAVE CONNECTIONS WITH RENO. SHE WILL CASTRATE YOU AND DISCARD OF YOU AT THE HEART OF A PIT OF ROTTWEILERS AND OTHER FLESH-EATING THINGS.

Sigh. So, my Christmas presents are all under the tree. Being the Antichrist, I opened them early. I got my hess truck, a wax Hitler figurine (I told them I was switching religions and he was the prophet, haha), The Beatles' 1 anthology, a Pikachu keychain even though I hate the sniveling sunpist little bastard, some cocaine and a hooker from George W, and a few measly pesos from my relatives in Miami. I liked Miami, except for the swarms of hookers constantly at my heels and their gangbanging, wifebeating, obese devotees. I sit here smoking my cigar and contemplating the destruction of earth and the blessing of Christmas cheer and how i can possibly decimate it.

Well, I'm off to go pretend that my hess truck is real and crush tons of tiny soldier figurines. Merry Christmas!

that's life!

2000-12-23T22:56:03Z

Ah, I await the coming of Christmas with a red nose and puddle of tears that evaporate instantly in the sizzling cuba heat. I had such wonderful plans! I was going to go see my good friend George W Bush and get some cocaine to give to all of the good little boys and girls to raise them into crackheads and ruin their worthless lives! Ah, bloody hell.

We now have lots of money. The gardener gives me strange looks of cheap tawdry lust that will not be sated by just any child, but me. If he molests me I will beckon my legion of evil bloodthirsty demons and they will suck all of the blood from his penis and feed his useless impotent member to a pack of rabid Croatian nazi sympathisers and their slutty pitbulls while it is still attached to his body! Then he will be forced to be their sex slave, bound entirely in glossy black vinyl -- even his face! -- and kept in a locked iron box only big enough for his body if it is in fetal position until they want him to do their bidding. The loan sharks to whom he owes great sums of money will come to cut his kidneys out and sell them on the black market as compensation for all he stole, the sniveling rat prick.

Oo, I got a Hess truck for Christmas! Yaayyyy!

But eliang, you may say, how do you know? Well, puny Down's syndrome human, I am the antichrist. Asshole.

Well, I'm going to go devour mi mami's cat. See ya!

"You heartless bastard!" -- Elmo, when I set the loser on fire. HAHA!

2000-12-23T07:10:43Z

Hello. I am Elian Gonzales. To most I am a small, cherubic spanish boy, but to Jesus, my name is blasphemy.

It is often very frustrating to be an immense evil force when you are a small prepubescent mexican boy. Today I became suddenly ravenous for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so I pattered my demonic, sauntering toddle to the closet. First I could not reach the doorknob. So I took mi Papi's blowtorch from his bedroom and burnt the door down, as no matter how hard I tried I was incapable of knocking the door down with my small sweaty fists and tiny, compactly sneakered feet. No adorable tike am I -- but some of you Americans know this by now. It surprises me often how few have detected the truth, or even tasted it though I'm right in their mouths, in their eyes, and I am the deadly force inside all of them, the pure unmolested evil that functions like an organ in their flawed souls and whispers "..Release yourself, release... eat the pint of Ben and Jerry's Death by Chocolate... go on... now destroy a small helpless forest animal and devour it.. you know you want to" So anywho, I shrieked with joy and pounded a fist triumphantly at the air. Victory was mine! But alas, it was not meant to be.

I could not reach any higher than the first shelf.

My screams shattered the glass of the cabinet holding all of my mother's lovely, worthless porcelain chachkas, and some of the trinkets themselves, as my gaze often had in past years. See, my parents didn't really want me back. It was either an American conspiracy, or my evildoing. Draw your own conclusion, retard. And that's another thing! I hate retarded people. Especially Down's syndrome people. I ate a Down's syndrome baby once. It was ... terrible ... I can't go on. Oh, wait, I'm the Antichrist. HAHAHA!

Well, I'm off to bed. Sleep tight!

no subject

2000-12-23T06:26:10Z

'Meeht my li-ul frient.'

-- Al Pacino, Scarface